It's been a day. High stress, low stress, no stress. The first two stresses took turns for a while. I'm in the latter stage now. At Paneras.

I wrote a blog post in my head on my drive home from work. Let's see if I can recreate it...
Jelly beans are better than cigarettes
I used to be a smoker. Big time smoker. Upon waking, it was my first thought and I lit up immediately, even if I woke in the middle of the night. The last thing I did before going to bed was smoke. I'd excuse myself from my clients in the middle of a haircut, saying I had to use the bathroom, and I'd smoke. I hid smoking from non-smoking boyfriends. Made up errands and reasons I had to absent myself. Cigarettes ruled. I tried to quit a few times, but just the thought of quitting made me need a cigarette that much more. Many moons ago, I was able to quit. I quit for 2 years. One day I got in a bad fight with my then boyfriend. I was so mad and frustrated and I said to myself, 'That's it! I'm buying a pack of cigarettes.' I smoked a pack of cigarettes on that first day as if I had never quit. I loved smoking. Loved the dizzying feel of that first drag. But I hated that I smoked, that this nasty habit had it's hooks in me. I hid my habit from many; I was ashamed. But that didn't stop me. Then I got married to a non-smoker, and shortly thereafter wanted to get pregnant. But I wasn't allowed to. Not till I quit smoking. I made up my mind, and bought the patch, and did it. The patch helped...it was a crutch that segued me from one side to the other, but it was definitely mind over matter. Quitting smoking is one of the things I'm most proud of because it was the hardest thing I've ever done. When I quit I said to myself, if I ever found out I had an incurable disease the first thing I'd do was start smoking, because it wouldn't matter. I never thought I'd see the day that I didn't crave a cigarette, but it happened. I wouldn't smoke again for anything. Which brings me to the jelly beans. Today was a really bad day with my teen. I was in a rage in my head. So I did it. I bought jelly beans. I had promised myself no more. I was so proud of myself the other day when I went to Walmart. I was salivating at the thought of being so close to my 1 pound bag of jellys, and it took every bit of willpower not to buy them. Then came this afternoon. I was so mad and frustrated and I said to myself, 'That's it! I'm buying a pack of Jelly Bellys.' And I did. Jelly beans are much better than cigarettes, but I promise, I'm not going back to a pack a day.

I'd like to say, The End, but there's one more thing. Around this time, fifteen years ago, I was 3 hours into an 8 hour labor that started with my water breaking in Walmart. Of all places. Emily was born on October 5th, 1993. I quit smoking 16 years ago. Amazing. I hope my story of quitting might be an inspiration. You can do it. You know you want to. It's hard, but not impossible. And if I had just a little more willpower, I'd throw away the box of jelly beans sitting in my purse. I've really had enough.

The End