11 December 2008


I received this e-mail today and laughed out loud through much of it. I swear I've been forwarded most of these before. Enjoy!

I just want to thank everyone for the educational e-mails over the past year...

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking your nose.

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a rapist waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day...

I'll write a real post tomorrow :)


Sarah said...

Cheryl, every year Break The Chain has a contest to write you're rebuttal to all the bogus email you get (like the ones spoofed here) - I wonder if this was one of the submissions! :)

Can you PLEASE forward that to me?? I love it!

Cheryl said...

I miss you!

happyone said...

A fun post to read that had me laughing!! :-)

KathyA said...

This is AMAZING! Probably why I hit the 'delete' button on most forwards.

Brad said...

I'm coming to see you right after my Nigerian freind is sends me $10,000,000

beachgirl said...

No wonder we have all turned OCD and become germafobes :-}

I don't usually forward anything.
And so far I haven't been struck by lightening for not forwarding and the angels haven't come after me yet.
Have an awesome weekend.

Gin said...

I got that one a couple weeks ago and got a huge laugh out of it. I do a lot of that stuff now too. hahaha

Mary said...

Ain't it the truth!! Sorry I've been lax in posting. I've just had a lot going on. Things seem to be smoother now.

I'd like to mail cards next Monday. I bought cards this year. Too much happening to be able to make my own.

Jenny said...

Oh, girl, I laughed so hard at this. So funny and so true! I'm so glad you stopped by my blog and left such an encouraging comment, causing me to take a break from my labors and swing by your place. Very refreshing. Take care, luv.

Summer said...

I have a friend that forwards/spams to me all these kinds of emails. I just hit delete when I see her name. She'd probably put a curse on me if she knew. With an email, of course.

BTW, I work for urologists so you can imagine the sort of injectibles we do. Ha!

Portia said...

Too funny! I had to send this out to some people I know. I just came through a barrage of emails last week about that Microsoft free money promise, which I had seen (and deleted) several times before. I check every email I get that claims to have any factual info in it and 99% of the time it is untrue.

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