04 October 2008

It's been a day. High stress, low stress, no stress. The first two stresses took turns for a while. I'm in the latter stage now. At Paneras.

I wrote a blog post in my head on my drive home from work. Let's see if I can recreate it...
Jelly beans are better than cigarettes
I used to be a smoker. Big time smoker. Upon waking, it was my first thought and I lit up immediately, even if I woke in the middle of the night. The last thing I did before going to bed was smoke. I'd excuse myself from my clients in the middle of a haircut, saying I had to use the bathroom, and I'd smoke. I hid smoking from non-smoking boyfriends. Made up errands and reasons I had to absent myself. Cigarettes ruled. I tried to quit a few times, but just the thought of quitting made me need a cigarette that much more. Many moons ago, I was able to quit. I quit for 2 years. One day I got in a bad fight with my then boyfriend. I was so mad and frustrated and I said to myself, 'That's it! I'm buying a pack of cigarettes.' I smoked a pack of cigarettes on that first day as if I had never quit. I loved smoking. Loved the dizzying feel of that first drag. But I hated that I smoked, that this nasty habit had it's hooks in me. I hid my habit from many; I was ashamed. But that didn't stop me. Then I got married to a non-smoker, and shortly thereafter wanted to get pregnant. But I wasn't allowed to. Not till I quit smoking. I made up my mind, and bought the patch, and did it. The patch helped...it was a crutch that segued me from one side to the other, but it was definitely mind over matter. Quitting smoking is one of the things I'm most proud of because it was the hardest thing I've ever done. When I quit I said to myself, if I ever found out I had an incurable disease the first thing I'd do was start smoking, because it wouldn't matter. I never thought I'd see the day that I didn't crave a cigarette, but it happened. I wouldn't smoke again for anything. Which brings me to the jelly beans. Today was a really bad day with my teen. I was in a rage in my head. So I did it. I bought jelly beans. I had promised myself no more. I was so proud of myself the other day when I went to Walmart. I was salivating at the thought of being so close to my 1 pound bag of jellys, and it took every bit of willpower not to buy them. Then came this afternoon. I was so mad and frustrated and I said to myself, 'That's it! I'm buying a pack of Jelly Bellys.' And I did. Jelly beans are much better than cigarettes, but I promise, I'm not going back to a pack a day.

I'd like to say, The End, but there's one more thing. Around this time, fifteen years ago, I was 3 hours into an 8 hour labor that started with my water breaking in Walmart. Of all places. Emily was born on October 5th, 1993. I quit smoking 16 years ago. Amazing. I hope my story of quitting might be an inspiration. You can do it. You know you want to. It's hard, but not impossible. And if I had just a little more willpower, I'd throw away the box of jelly beans sitting in my purse. I've really had enough.

The End


Mo said...

I am sorry you had a trying day.

I am proud of you for not smoking.

Eat all the jelly beans you want. You deserve 'em.


Gin said...

I love the way you described quitting smoking. I went thru the same thing when I quit. And you're right, it's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life (well it was at the time) and I had a few periods of back-sliding, but I finally quit for good and I can no longer stand the smell of smoke. I wish I had the will power to diet now!! But I'll NEVER quit jelly beans!!

Lena said...

That was inspirational. Good for you for being able to quit.

My dad used to be a heavy smoker years ago and would have terrible coughing fits during the night. It was very frightening, because he would have trouble catching his breath. I was so glad when he quit!

Sorry you had a trying day and I am glad the jelly beans made u feel a little better.

Moohaa said...

Sounds like a rough day.

I quit smoking 3 1/2 years ago from a 9 year habit. I'm so very glad I did. Prayer was the thing that did it for me and hubby. He quit too. And you know, if you want some jellies when you're mad, go for it! It's not like your binge drinking, smoking dope or smoking. Dig in!

Happy Birthday to Em.
Happy Anniversary to you.

SOUL said...

"just the thought of quitting made me need a cigarette that much more. "

THAT is SO me!! i do that too. i will smoke twice as much while thinking of quitting smoking then when i just smoke like it doesn't matter. ugh. even now-- sick with a cough and bronchitis that will not leave--and i'm back to over a pack a day (better than the 3 i was at before--but still)

anyhow-- the only time i quit for any length of time was also pregnant with my daughter-- BUT it only lasted through the pregnancy and until she was maybe two or three months old.

like you-- i LOVED to smoke ! still do. but i do want to quit... someday. i'm still too full of excuses. if only i could get pregnant again..seems to be the only that works for me.

EEGADS NO-- stop me.. what am i thinking.
say NO to babies!

yes! to jelly beans!

happy sunday

and happy birthday to EM.
(sweet 16? :))
tell me a miracle happened ?
i hear 16 is the magical age? no? they lied?
ok i'm havin ... some jelly beans :))

Summer said...

That's a great story. I hope things are better today.

beachgirl said...

I smoked on and off for 20 years. I had a really stressful job in a small retail shop and I was going home for Christmas. I bought the patch and never looked back. I also had nothing but throat issues for the next 6 months. I mostly couldn't speak, etc. I had one of the worst withdrawals you can have when quitting smoking. That was 1996. I would never pick one up again.

Jelly beans are a very good vice if needed. Could be much worse. Teens are fun. I promise she will return to normal in her early 20's. Or after she goes off to school. You will survive.

Have an awesome day.

happyone said...

Happy Birthday to Emily!!
Sorry you had a bad day - eat the jelly beans - you deserve them. You can always walk or swim a little extra. :-)
Good for you for quitting smoking - I've heard it's really hard to quit. I guess I'm one of the lucky ones - never smoked or wanted to!

Martha said...

I tried smoking in college. It wasn't too good for my asthma! My dad smoked for years--probably close to 30 years. Then one day, he just quit, cold turkey. He sucked on Tootsie Pops to get him through the early days of quitting. He felt like a few cavities were better than lung disease. He's been smoke free for about 10 years! Now, if only I could figure out how to kick my junk food cravings...

fiwa said...

I'm sorry you had a bad day. I think Jelly Beans on a day like that are perfectly understandable. You do what you have to do to get yourself through - and that's a pretty harmless habit.

I'm so proud of you for quitting smoking - I know it must have been really hard to do.

Hope today is a better day.
love & hugs-

Billy said...

Happy Birthday to you and Emily! Cheryl, you are such an awesome mom. You've made lots of sacrifices for your daughter. One day she will realize it and thank you.

ThursdayNext said...

Thank god my Prince did Chantix this summer. It was hard, but I am so thankful he has quit. I worry so much already about the damage done - I want him in our children's lives for a long time.

Brad said...

I've been thinking about quiting for a while now. I'm not ready yet but this post did move me in that direction. I do have a bottle of chantrix staffed away once I get my mindset ready to do it.

Sorry things have been rough at home. Fingers crossed that it gets better soon!

Neponset River Bridge Dig said...

Good story I used to smoke only when I drank beer. But I quit drinking beer so I quit the cigarettes as well St. Patricks Day 1993. Of all places to have your water break in Wally Mart, that will teach you to go shopping there.

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